Day 9

The storm advanced through the night and by the time the sky turned a toxic gray yellow I was in full lockdown mode. Drops began to fall as I secured and re-secured every bench and loose item on deck. The wind whipped up in fitful tantrums and I lowered the sails and prepped the storm jib. The sea anchor was at hand but I wouldn’t release that until I couldn’t steer us through the waves any longer. My head was splitting from the change in pressure and lack of rest. It didn’t matter. Feeling something, anything, was better than nothing.

Izzy came up with a cup of coffee. I took one sip and put it to the side. It was regular coffee again. She hadn’t decided to lace it with anything this time either.

“How are you feeling? Did you sleep?”

“Didn’t want to sleep through the entertainment.” I indicated the approaching storm then went to the port bench and started pulling out life jackets. Our passengers used the rice cooker, lights, and saw my sunglasses…life jackets were no longer off limits.

“Are we going to run into that?” Izzy was wide-eyed with concern.

I looked up at the approaching bank of storm clouds and tried to see it from her perspective. Actually, it looked bad either way. Difference was I wanted it to come at me and come at me hard. I was ready for some punishment I could sink my teeth into.

“I sure hope so.” I was spoiling for a fight and I didn’t care who my enemy was, myself, my body, or mother nature. The wind chose right that very moment to start. I took a deep breath, smelling the challenge on the winds. Oh yes, oh yes. This was going to be good.

“You want to hit a storm? Why?” She tried to put more food in front of me but I wasn’t interested. It would just slow me down at this point.

“I’m not hungry.” The wind whipped at the jib and I altered course to meet it. The thunder rolled and the first drops of rain began. “Better get below,” I warned my sister with an inexplicable feeling of delight. “This is going to be amazing.” I put on gloves to get a better grip on the ropes and wheel. Izzy cursed.

The lowered sails luffed in the stiffening breeze and I began to reef each one. My sister grabbed the life preservers and brought them below. I didn’t bother with one. The world would be all the better if I was swept down into the deep. In fact, I would welcome it. My fingertips grazed the still healing cut on my cheek courtesy of the soon-to-be Mrs. Helene Andrews. The thunder rolled. Twenty years and that was how it was going to end. The current yanked suddenly at the rudder. I adjusted and got a tighter grip. Then the rain came in earnest and soaked me through within a minute. Thunder rolled.

“Tell me anything about you at all!” Andrews demanded. “Where did you grow up? What is your family’s name? Anything goddamnit!”

“How long do you wait after I leave to get in bed with her? A week? A day? An hour?”

“Nanette --”

“I told you no. For once in your life, hear it.”

“How can you love her, everyone asks me. How can you love the bitch captain of the seven seas.” His words were spoken from behind a mask of stone. “I tell them, she’s strong, beautiful and that she loves me – do you?”

An hour later the rain was pounding down and I was laughing hysterically at nature’s attempt to unseat me. “It’ll take more than that!” I shouted to Neptune. The storm jib and trysail were up and I had a solid hold on the rudder. Bring. It. On.

My muscles strained and spasmed after another hour at the wheel steering through the swells. I was soaked and frozen and ready for more. In a flash of lightning I thought I saw a curious vision, my old friend Mo in his helmet on the prow of a boat, gesturing for me to come back with him.

“Not yet!” I shouted to him. “You can’t have me yet!” The lightning flashed again and the vision disappeared.

“Anne, I worry about you. How worried should I be?” Mo looked at me critically. He was always protective of me, of all of us.

“Mo, you don’t --”

“I do. Will we need to find you a commune of your own?”

“No.”

“I know you were with him.” He indicated Maui. “Promise me you’ll come visit me if you get too...tired.”

I was exhausted.

The waves grew steadily bigger and more difficult to find my way through. The thunder boomed and the water tossed me like a doll. I released the sea anchor and howled back as the wind blew the stinging rain over me. A bolt of lightning stuck the water close by and sent me to the deck. Someone hauled me up. It was Bessie.

“What are you doing? Get down below!” I shouted to her.

“I prefer to have a hand in whether I die or not!” she shouted back. I grinned.

“Yes, ma’am!” I tied a rope around Bessie’s waist in time for the two of us to get knocked silly by a wave. I got up laughing and returned to the wheel only to be struck by another wave. Salt water choked me and I thrilled to the idea that this was the end, that this was the moment I’d be taken away for good. But the water cleared and I saw a stupid ray of sunshine in the distance. “No.” I grumbled and steered into the storm's path. “I’m not done yet.”

Andrews’ eyes were hard, stone, rock above magma. They were the eyes that others saw. I had never felt unsafe with him for even a moment. I did now. This man had brought me pleasure. I trusted him to be fair and be a refuge. I did not feel safe now. “Someone will pay for this transgression. Will it be you or Magnus?” His voice was molten. He aimed to burn me. His hand, a hand that touched me so delicately, now gripped me hard enough to bruise.

I felt the place on my bicep that still bore the marks from his fingertips. I squeezed to feel the soreness, the last thing I’d ever feel from him.

Andrews was a large man. He outclassed me in height and weight and sheer muscle mass. He practically lifted me in his vise-like grip and used this power against me. His whole being daring me to fight him, daring me to take him on. How would he do it? He aimed to make me hurt. I felt sick but wouldn’t move. I would take his punishment. I deserved this, I know I deserved this.

I took my hands off the wheel and watched the spokes spin and spin and spin.

It was Helene who came to meet me. Helene Andrews, beloved wife, beloved mother. My friend turned rival. A woman who despised me for everything I was. Andrews had chosen to beat me with the woman who had already won. The woman struck me and struck me hard and then kept me down. I think maybe I was still there, lying in the dirt, beaten. Broken.

“Captain!” Bessie shouted to me and pointed towards the parting clouds.

I looked between her and the sun and the storm. I wanted more of the storm. I craved to set my hull against it and dare it to take me down. I wanted it to take me down. I should tie my feet to the nearest anchor and just jump overboard and meet Maui in the afterlife.

“Captain! Captain?”

I watched an enormous swell headed our way. If I eased the rudder just right I could tip the ship over and capsize and be done with it all. I was soaked anyway. What was a little more water? I left the wheel and went to stand aft. I should wear my helmet for this moment. The wave was enormous. I wondered if it would be enough. I’d have to dive far and fast. Swim down. Swim down with every fiber of my muscles. I raised my arms ready to give a good show to the diving committee.

“Captain!” Bessie hurled herself to my side and I saw the fear in her eyes. She pulled me off the rail. She reminded me of a young Izzy. Someone I could not harm.

I was not Maui.

I couldn’t take this ship full of women down with me. I went back to the wheel, bent but unbroken, and altered course to safety.

“I’m done, Heeny.” Maui surveyed the island village. People lay strewn across the land in the positions they’d fallen after the pox had ransacked their bodies. For weeks we’d tried to heal them, clean them, ease their symptoms. The disease progressed too quickly and with no natural defenses the entire population now lay dead at our feet. High masts and square sails moved our way in the distance.

“We’ll try again.”

“No. I’m tired. I’m done. Heeny, I can’t even look at you.” I had the skin of the people he hated. I was the people he hated.

“So rest. Let’s take a vacation or something.” I’d been on the front lines with him for ages. We must have seen every island in the Pacific.

“I’ve rested enough. I know you tried, Heeny. I know you tried.” He patted my shoulder and kissed my forehead. “I love you for it. You did great.” His voice was empty, as breathless as the swollen and festering bodies that lay at our feet. “I’m done.”

The rain finally abated and the sun emerged like the smug traitorous bastard it was. My heart beat so hard in my chest I could hear it in my ears. I tried to sit down but my muscles were set rigidly in place, ready to chase that storm again. I wanted that storm back. I wanted the sea water over my head beating me into submission. Beating out of me any and all memories until I was one with the tide and all that was locked inside me released.

It would be easy. Maui had the right idea. Just take a short walk. A very short walk. Then it’s over. No more thoughts. No more memories. I imagine there would be some pain but it would be short. I’d been in pain before. Couldn’t be worse than that.

I walked to starboard and climbed up onto the rail and slipped my foot into the anchor rope coil. Then tightened it. The water was still choppy and rough. If I could keep myself from surfacing, I could drown on the ocean floor. I wouldn’t be able to come back. Unless of course my bones crushed and the rope I tied the anchor to slipped off my foot and I floated back up to the surface and the lightning strikes me again and I’m back and Graham is gone and Graham is throwing me down to beat me and Graham is watching me burn. Dammit. Where was a volcano when you needed it! I wanted it to be over. I wanted it to be done. I was tired. I was so very very tired.

Take me away

Take me away.

“Diane!”

“Izzy? When did you get here?” I asked her absently as I watched my image in the waves, jealous of the reflection already drowning beneath the surface of the water. I’d be below the water with her soon.

“Do you know where you are?”

“Oh yes. I’m in hell.” I turned to her. She had a cup in her hands. I doubted it was coffee again this time. “Bessie tell you what happened?”

“This will help you rest. You’ll be safe and you’ll feel better.” My sister held out the cup of whatever it was.

“I can never rest. I’ll never be safe. I hurt everyone I love. I’ll hurt you too. I know it.”

“Will you drink?” She kept holding the cup out.

“Why?” She didn’t need me. No one needed me. I needed me to be gone.

“Just drink it, Anne. Please.”

[Let her help.]

“You want to know my secrets? It all boils down to this: stay away from me. I’m cursed.” I took the cup and knocked it back.

Whatever was in the cup was strong, far stronger than her last dose. The anchor rope tripped me and I stumbled into a bench. It was soaking wet. I was soaking wet. I hated everything.

The drink made it hard to feel my face. The ship swirled around me and somehow I ended up in my cabin. I went straight to my helmet and shoved it on my head. I felt better with it on. I passed out.