Day 14

Bessie came up to relieve Catherine around midnight. I tried to thank Catherine for her time but she wasn’t interested in my efforts. Bessie had (of course) brought up food. We’d be lucky to make it to Greenland at this point before running out of stores. The girl brought out our notes from last night’s lesson and we took up where we left off and spent the whole night inching closer to the answer about what the stars were and how they helped me navigate.

John Henry toddled up right after his mother and Izzy around 7:30 the next morning. Catherine still wouldn’t look at me. Izzy met all my glances with irritated huffs. I tried to care. I didn’t care. When was the last time she hadn’t been irritated with me? Probably that night before we entered the portal. Once she was firmly back in the 21st and had some distance from me she’d remember that she’d loved me once…or at least find some fond memory of me that didn’t make her gag. Izzy carried yet another plate. I’d bribed Bessie with boxing lessons tonight if she finished off my midnight meal for me. It had been a little while since I’d taken out the speed bag. I’d teach her to jump rope too.

I started in on the plate of breakfast before Izzy could lecture me about eating. Bessie wasn’t ready to stop our lessons and asked me more questions about our journey and our destination. I struggled to come up with easily digestible answers as I ate yet another meal. Was all this food truly necessary?

“Captain,” Izzy’s over-chipper voice caught my attention. That she’d addressed me as 'captain' put me on edge. “It is about time for you to get some rest. You have the night shift.”

“I’m not tired. Why don’t you take it easy and I’ll sail. I’ll rest later.” It had been an easy evening. I’d slept 11 hours yesterday. Bessie and I hadn’t done much but talk all night. I was feeling good and a little time off for the others was warranted. They’d all been handling more than their share, especially since I was yet another burden on their shoulders now. Izzy could enjoy the galley, Catherine could take a nap, maybe Bessie and I could continue our lessons.

“No, Anne,” Izzy snapped, suddenly furious. “It’s time for you to sleep. You’re on from 8-8 and I am not dealing with your fucking bullshit again.” Her voice ripped through a good few octaves and the sudden depolarization from the pleasant morning and her sing-song tone to this verbal wrap across my knuckles caught me in the gut.

I wasn’t trying to be difficult. I thought I was trying to be…good. I wasn’t good enough for her though. At least she didn’t think I was good enough. I’d been trying. The vehemence of her response stung and I couldn’t put words to why. It’s just…I’d been trying. My eyes burned.

“Yeah. Fine. I’ll go.” She was right. She didn’t need to deal with me and all my fucking bullshit. She shouldn’t be dealing with me at all. I was right the other day…

[That’s not what she meant.]

Close enough.

Izzy hugged me.“Thank you. We’re taking care of things, I promise. You don’t have to do this alone and I’m not going to let you anymore.”

I had to stop doing this. I had to get my shit together. Izzy didn’t need my problems. She didn’t want my problems. She wanted me to go away and leave them up here so they could have a calm day without me. Best thing I could do right now was disappear.

[That’s not what she meant.]

Fucking bullshit.

“Whatever. Sure. I’ll see you when I wake up.” Izzy released me and I picked up the cup and brought it to my cabin. As soon as the door was closed I knocked the bitter liquid back. Fuck. I was supposed to take a shower. I didn’t feel like getting wet. I locked my door and ran the water for three minutes like I used to do in middle school and climbed into bed as the walls spun and spun and spun around me. This dose was still too strong. Who did she think I was, Gary Busey?

I lay on the pillow and tried to hold on as the room spun like I was on one of those godforsaken tea cup rides. The medicine pulled me down and down and I tried to breathe but it was stifling in here.

“Nanette?” he asked and I put my chin on his chest to look up at him. “Ought I be concerned that we share a bed yet have exchanged no vows? We lay in our bed and know each other as husband and wife. We care deeply for each other. Seems as if we ought to be married.”

“I hadn’t considered it. Do you want to be married?”

“In truth I cannot see how it would change what we have.” He was young and the obligations and judgment of the world lay in far off cities and didn’t belong here on our scant acres. “Still, should you ever care to marry, you marry me. Yes?”

“Yes.”I rolled and pressed myself against his side as he grinned. “I’ll have you know, that if you are to turn me into a bride, I’ll demand a huge wedding. I will wear a dress with seven petticoats.”

“You in a dress? I’ll propose now just for that sight alone. Although, I much prefer this to all the petticoats.” He teased his hands down my bare skin. Then he stopped and kissed me, concern still coloring his features “The men ask though, they ask if you are my wife.” He kissed me and continued running his fingers up and down my skin. I pressed in closer to him. I liked the sound of that. I liked the idea of being his wife. Sure, there were a number of difficulties we’d need to find our way past: my sort-of-immortality, the death sentence headed my way in 17 years…the idea that he would be my husband and I would be his wife warmed me in deep down frozen places. We could make it work.

“Are you proposing?” I lay my head on his shoulder and grinned. I let my hands roam along him as well.

“Feels like there should be more ceremony to a proposal. Also perhaps your hand should be in mine and not on my – oh Nan, oh that feels wonderful. Oh Nanette…” We stopped worrying about proposals as we became very very otherwise occupied.

Someone knocked at the door.

“It’s Ansel, we’ve been in bed too long.” I wrapped his arms around me.

“He can wait. It all can wait. Stay with me, Nanette.”

The knocker knocked louder.

“He might need something. The shipment is getting delivered today.” I leaned over him and kissed him. He ran his hands through my hair and kept my lips close to his.

“Don’t leave me yet, Darling. Say you won’t leave me. Please.”

The knocking was insistent now.

“Someone needs me.” I tried to explain. His eyes turned hard, his face stone.

“I need you. Stay, Nan. For the love of God, stay.” His grip tightened and the room began to spin.

“I can’t.”

“You will burn!” He threw me down from the bed and went to get Helene. The woman towered over me and struck

“Captain!” The knocking broke through the haze. “Captain! We need you!” I’d fallen to the floor of my cabin. I couldn’t see straight. I was still half in our old log cabin before the main house completed construction.

“Captain!” I staggered to the door and fumbled with the lock. Bessie fell into me as I got the door open.

“What?” I held onto her for balance.

“It’s raining. There’s wind. The headsail tore.” She babbled and I tried to remember where I’d put my feet. This is exactly why I didn’t drink on duty. I nodded and tried to shush her rambling. I could feel the ship heeling. There was too much sail up for this wind. We were in danger of capsizing.

I got up on deck and saw the headsail blowing wildly. It had torn up by the block. The rain lashed against my cheeks and helped to bring me back to the surface. I shoved Bessie to the mizzen where it looked like Izzy was trying to reef the sail and told her to lower and reef it one quarter. I did the same on the mainsail. The headsail, jib, and spinnaker all needed to come down fully.

The ship righted itself as the wind slipped through the masts. This was a simple squall. Probably blew up without much warning. The wind whipped and the rain stung against my raw skin. I hadn’t stopped to put boots on. It would all be over in a few minutes. I checked our heading and course corrected. God, the whole world was spinning. I ran to the edge and vomited into the churning sea. I stumbled back to my chair and tried to steady myself. I put my head in my hands and tried not to see Graham’s eyes as he threw me to the ground.

“Anne–” Izzy came up behind me.

“I know. I know. I’m going.” I couldn’t even sit for one bloody second. I got out of the chair. I didn’t know who’s shift it was but I wasn’t allowed here. I wasn’t allowed to do anything. I wasn’t even allowed to die. I slipped on the stairs on the way down and cursed loud enough to set the baby crying. “I’m sorry!” I hollered at him and slammed the door to my cabin.

My shin was bleeding. There was a four inch scrape down the length of it. “Dammit.” I grabbed a towel and tried to staunch the blood flow. It's not like my legs could look any worse. I rewound some of the wraps to bind tightly against the bleed.

I ignored them when they started cooking dinner.

I ignored them when they knocked on my door to come out and eat.

I ignored them.

Izzy finally just opened the door and told me to sit at the table and eat. Either I kicked her in the crotch or I went to eat. Both sounded like great options. I chose to eat so that she didn’t tell on me to Mom one day that I kicked the labia right off her. She put a plate down in front of me.

“How’s the sauce?” she asked.

My head still hurt. So did my leg.

“This dose was still too strong.” I didn’t even know what I was eating. I stabbed at it anyway.

“Still? I swear it was lighter–”

I slammed my plate down hard enough to crack it. “Then I guess I’m wrong! It’s 8:00. I’m going to go sail.” I left. There was no space for me here.

Catherine – Catherine! Was at the helm. “You can go downstairs,” I dismissed her.

“I’ve spoken with Isabelle. She has offered me assistance. Money. She agrees I do not need to find another husband. I can and I will provide for my family.”

“And who will obtain you a house? Or even a room to let? Your face, your name, it’s worthless because you are not a man. Any man could come into your home, take you, take your child, take whatever money you managed to scrape together from doing laundry or stitching. You have no recourse because you are not a real person. You are a girl. A replaceable girl in a world that doesn’t see you.” Hell, even I had had to negotiate with Charlie to speak on my behalf for that property in Portugal. That property was supposed to be where Izzy and I spent our last happy summer together. Instead she married that douche in Bermuda and now here we were. “If money could solve this problem I would give you all the money. You need family. You need lineage. You need someone who will provide your son a future beyond working the nearest wheatfield. Izzy does not understand the world you are walking. Take the money she offers you because you’ll need it. Take my advice for the same reason.”

“There must be another way. I will find it.” She stood up to me.

“Let me know when you do.” I sat in my chair and refused to look back. Bessie took both overnight shifts tonight.

She reminded me that I owed her boxing lessons. I’d never been happier to beat my frustrations into a bag of sand. I showed her how to ground herself with her stance, sight, and punch through. I corrected how she made a fist and how to align her knuckles with her ulna and radius and strike through the target. We took turns beating up the speed bag. I hit that thing till my knuckles bled then I hit it more. Bessie and I kept at it until Izzy came up and begged us to stop making such a racket. Bessie apologized. I did not.

We sat back in our seats breathing hard and sweating. Bessie’s knuckles were also raw. I helped her clean them and wrap them up. Now that we weren’t exercising, the breeze ate through our clothing and we both wrapped ourselves in blankets. She asked if I would show her where we were on the map and ran to get one.

“We are approximately here.” I pointed to a spot between Nova Scotia and Newfoundland. “We are about halfway to our destination which is here.” I traveled my finger up and around Canada and into Baffin Bay at the 70th parallel.

“Why is the land colored white here and green here?” She pointed out the different landmasses.

“That’s the snow and ice.”

“Snow? Isabelle has shown us ice from the freezer. I do not know snow.” And so we began a lecture series about the three states of water.

“We are going to start needing to watch for icebergs in another few days. I can’t spend all these days asleep. That’ll piss her off. Izzy will be even more pissed that I’ll have to shut the pipes down till we leave Greenland so they don’t freeze and burst. We’ve collected a good amount of rainwater in the barrels and will be fine so long as she can go two hours without bathing.” I could see how that conversation was going to go already.

"Izzy, we cannot spare our drinking water for showers right now."

She would fix me with a withering glare and cross her arms.

"This is a boat from the future and you can’t find a way to keep the pipes from freezing? How will we water the plants? I need to shampoo my vag for my invisible husband. Tell me the toilets will still work! What about the baby! He needs water, Anne! How could you do this to us! You kidnapped me and now I can’t even boil pasta in peace? Go to sleep, Anne. Icebergs only sink cruise ships.

“She’s scared," Bessie's voice brought me back to the discussion at hand. "You are a terrifying personage, Captain. This voyage has been fraught.” Bessie stated this as one would state the sky was blue and the sun would rise and I was a villain wrapped in a blanket sailing three women into the tundra.

“Izzy is not scared of me.” The girl had dragged me through science classes and dressed me for tea parties.

“As you say, Captain.” Bessie would not argue with me.