Day 12/13

Day 12/13

My head floated as I sat up. I swung my legs off the bed and my silver helmet crashed to the floor. Dammit. I picked it up and put it back on the shelf. Stupid heavy thing. I patted Maui’s helmet, envious of his success. I missed him. I hated him. 

The ship wasn’t moving.  

“Good morning.” Izzy was on the end of my bed, a plate of food and cup of water in her hands.  

“Izzy? Why are you in my cabin?” I put my head in my hands and tried to rub feeling into my scalp.

“Do you know where you are?”

She was going to be the death of me. “Izzy –”  

“Do you know where you are?” She didn’t drop her gaze.

“I’m on my ship.” I felt hungover in the worst way.

“Who else is on the ship?”

“Catherine, Bessie, and some baby.”

“John Henry. Good. You must be famished,” she said and held the plate and cup out. Food. Always with the fucking food. It was clear I had to take something. I took the water.

“Thanks. How long was I out?” I took a sip and put the cup down.

“It’s been three days,” she answered. 

Whatever parts of me had still been asleep woke right up. Three days?! 

“We’re still heading north and we haven’t had any issues. Sure could use a GPS or something though. I don’t suppose you’ve got one stashed away here?”

“Fuck!” Three days?! “Goddammit. Why did you do this?” We’d been tossed off course by a storm. I doubt any of them had even thought to take measurements with a sextant. “Three days?!” Fucking unbelievable. They were beyond lucky they hadn’t run into another storm or any other perils. Drugging the one person who knew what the shit she was doing. I know Izzy’s ego was bigger than the sun but this was sheer stupidity. For fuck’s sake we could have blown all the way to Long Island and be running into shallow waters as we sat here dithering about the nutrition values of bread. I had to get up there.

Izzy blocked the door. “Hey, hold on. I’m sorry. I had no idea you’d be out this long, and I- I panicked.” 

If she were anyone else in the world she’d have my short sword sticking out the back of her throat right now. I shook her hands off me. I didn’t want to be touched, dammit. She still didn’t budge. 

“Seeing you up there like that... Anyway, I’m sorry.” 

I didn’t want to be touched and I didn’t want her to talk about seeing me in that storm. I balled my fists and kept my reactions in check. “It was just a bad moment. Everyone has bad moments. I wasn’t going to do anything.” Just like I probably wasn’t going to do anything tonight when the ship was quiet and the world was dark and the water deep. There were too many people on this ship. 

“Okay. I want to make sure you don’t have any more bad moments like that.” God, did she never stop talking ever?

“I won’t. Let’s just get to Greenland and get these passengers the hell off my ship.” I made to move past her again but she didn’t move. Again, anyone else in the world… 

“Great, yes! Let’s get to Greenland. I have some ideas that I think will help with that. I’ve been thinking about high school. Remember?”

This felt like the start of a long winded lecture. I started pulling clothes out of my drawers. The ship was practically sauntering through the waves we were going so slow. They probably hadn’t raised the sails at all since the storm. I hadn’t brushed up on my Algonquian languages in a while. I tried to hide my scars from sight as I pulled on socks.

“What about high school? How does that help me sail?” I pulled on a long sleeve shirt. “Izzy, can I please go up? We must be barely at three knots. Who is sailing?” Where were my boots?

“It’s Bessie’s shift. Your shift isn’t until this evening. Which is what I wanted to talk to you about with the whole high school thing.”

“Shift?” She could go stick the idea of shifts up her ass with her lavender scented butt wash. I found my boots behind the door. “Which one is Bessie? The one with the kid? Oh my god.” That girl barely looked like she could lift a teacup never mind 80 pounds of sail canvas.

“No, the other one. So shifts–”

“The black one?” She could maybe raise the sail but it wasn’t her job. I was captain. Who had been sitting in my chair for three days?

“Yes. Is that an issue for you all of a sudden?”

Where the hell were we? Three days off course could have added a week or more to this slow trip of death. “She knows horses not sails. My god, is there any canvas up at all?” I swear there were minnows outpacing us and Izzy just kept standing there.  

“She’s learning! Do you want to hear about my plan for us all to make it to Greenland?”

“No.” I didn’t give a damn about Bessie’s education. I didn’t give a damn about Izzy’s nascent plans about charting a course to a place she’d never been. “I want to go sail so we can get to Greenland before we are all old and gray haired.”

“But you can’t sail yet. It’s not your shift until 8.” She handed me a paper she’d ripped out of a book. “Right now it’s time to go take a shower.” She held the paper and wouldn’t put her hand down until I took it.

Anne’s Schedule

8pm-8am: Anne at the wheel

Midnight snack (generously sized); sewing, reading, and exercising are also encouraged during this time. 

8am - Shower, clean clothes 

9am - breakfast on the deck (everyone)

        Medication with breakfast

Sleep (10am-5pm - at least until 2pm)

2pm - lunch

3pm - Free time (list of acceptable activities)

4pm - story time with Izzy

5pm - helping with dinner preparations

6pm- Dinner and socializing

Acceptable Activities:

Exercise

Reading

Light Chores

Sewing

“What…the fuck is this?”Even if she had darted the i’s with hearts like she did in middle school this couldn’t be more fantastical and nauseating.

“‘Anne’s Schedule’. Just like it says at the top. See?” She pointed to the curly cue words. Stabbing her felt like a better and better option.

I crumpled the paper in my fist and pushed it back to her chest. She didn’t take it back. “We are not in high school. We are on an ocean. Right now no one knows where we are, including me. It’s not,” I referenced the list,  “shower time.” I tried to give her back her paper again but she wasn’t taking it. I tossed it on top of my drawers.

“Right. Are you going to turn on the navigation system?” She asked like it was my own personal preference to travel like this (which it was but fuck her) and not due to the fact that satellites wouldn’t be able to pinpoint our location for over 400 years. She grinned like she’d won something. “No. That’s why you are on the night shift. In the meantime, you should eat, take a shower, maybe work on some sewing. Then you’ll be good and ready when 8pm rolls around.” 

“Why would I do any of that? There are no shifts on my ship. I have all the shifts. You all can go play or cook or whatever. You told me to handle the sails. I’m handling the sails. Now move,” She didn’t move. “...please,” I growled.

She still didn’t move from the door. Instead I watched as she took her hands in mine. I recoiled from the touch. I didn’t want to be touched. I wanted to be left alone. She didn’t care. She squeezed my hands. “You would do that because you’re in a really unhappy place right now and I can and want to help you.”

Her hands burned in mine. I wanted her to let me go. Just let me go, Izzy. She didn’t let go. Unhappy? What even was that? It was stupid. It was a word for children and fools. Happy and unhappy were blinders we wore to keep out reality. 

“I’m not –” Happiness was not even the issue. “I can’t –” Even if I were unhappy, what of it? Who cares about whether I’m happy or not? “I’m not unhappy.” Graham could be unhappy. Magnus and the girls could be unhappy. Mary, Dom, Davies, they could all be unhappy. They were privileged to be unhappy. I was the one who left. I did this. Me. It was my fault they would all be unhappy. The villain was not allowed to regret her decisions. She’d left. It was her fault. If I’d made myself unhappy it was my own goddamn fault and there was nothing for it but to deal with it. “I’m not unhappy. I’m not.” I needed her to let me go. I needed my eyes to stop burning.

She didn’t let me go. She hugged me. “Okay.” 

“I’m not.” I couldn’t be. I’d made my decisions. They were all back there on that island waiting for my sails that would never show again. They’d wait on their empty docks and look at horizons that would never show the correct ship. I would never show up for them again just like my bastard father never showed up either. I had turned into my own worst nightmare. I’d tricked a family into loving me and pulled the rug out from under their feet and left them reeling. I was awful and deserved to be left alone forever and always. 

“Please let me help you, Anne. Please?” She wouldn’t fucking let go but I couldn’t stay standing. I dropped onto my bed and put my head in my hands. All the faces I’d never see again stared at me from right behind my eyes. 

“I’m not unhappy.” They’d made the mistake of letting me into their lives and I’d betrayed them. “I can’t be unhappy.” The ones who did the damage were not allowed to regret their choices. They were not allowed to cry like this. Crying like this betrayed them, took their regret and grief from them. I’d stolen enough of their time and here I was stealing their grief too.

“Okay! Well, people who are regular levels of happy live lives like this.” She smoothed out her schedule and put it on my lap. 

“I just need to sail.” Breathe, Anne. Get your shit together. This is pathetic. You are being ridiculous. Shut up already, wipe your eyes, and stop being a moron. Finish this damn cruise from hell, get Izzy home, then…then make your choices. “I just have to get this done.”

Izzy sat next to me. “You will.” Why was she still here? Why was she bothering to comfort the person who’d kidnapped her and stolen her life from her all for my own selfish reasons? I was a monster. She smoothed my hair behind my ear; the quiet gesture was an unexpected balm. I leaned into it, desperately needing more. She stayed close. “You may not remember this, but I’ve done a lot of therapy over the years.” I turned slightly and saw her grin. She didn’t hate me…yet.

“It rings a bell.” She’d spent more time with Dr. C and her battery of therapeutic art projects and animals than she had at home. I still remember how she smelled coming home from goat yoga.

“Do you want to talk about Graham?”

“How can you love her, everyone asks me. How can you love the bitch captain of the seven seas? I tell them, she’s strong, beautiful and that she loves me – do you?”

All the air vanished from the room. I felt the bruises on my arm from his grip. I wanted him. As broken as it had become, I still wanted him. But it was all gone. My time was used up. I’d wasted it. Why couldn’t I breathe?  

“I left him.” 

Not too long away this time, Nanette. Yes?

No. We were done.

Izzy put her arms back around me. “I know. And it hurts so much.”

“He’ll hate me. They’ll all…hate me.” Just like my father had left us and I hated him to this day. They would all hate me just like that. I just wanted to be back. I wanted to go back. I wanted to climb into our bed, hear him call me Nanette, have his arms around me, not Izzy’s. I wanted – “I deserve this. I know I deserve this.” I needed to feel this pain. I needed to live in this pain. Pain is all that was left to me. I had love and I left it on that beach and chose my own selfish life above theirs. The hard look on his face as he threw me to the ground haunted me. That would be his face whenever he thought of me. The face that had wanted me hurt and punished. So I would take my punishment. I had done the crime. “I left him.”

There was no controlling the tears. I choked on the realizations as they hit me one after another. Izzy somehow managed to hold onto me and I still didn’t understand why. It was a kindness I didn’t deserve from her.

“No. You had to leave. You did it to protect them.” She spoke the words to give me absolution. I nodded. It was true. “It was an impossible choice. You can’t blame yourself.”

“I should never have stayed that long. I tried to stay away. I ruined everything. Everything.” If I had just stayed away after learning about Helene. If I had listened to him any of the times he’d told me to leave. If I had never sailed back to that cursed island after Kings Bay. Why did I go back? I knew I wasn’t supposed to go back. “You have to believe me. I tried to leave. I tried! I wasn’t going back this time. I tried to let them go. I couldn’t. Now it’s over and I’ve ruined everything. It’s over. You have to believe me. I tried.” I held onto her, begging for her to believe me. I needed someone to believe in me. 

“I know. It’s normal to feel this way. You’re grieving, you’re depressed.” She rubbed my back and some of my shaking and sobs eased. 

Maybe she was right. Maybe I was unhappy.

“I don’t know what to do.” I had to figure out how to get off this bed and sail these people halfway around the world. But if I put one foot on the floor it would be my first step away from Andrews. I didn’t want to take that step. I wanted to be with him even if all that was left to me was grief. How was I supposed to move on?

“That’s easy. Listen to your sister who’s been here too many times before and take a shower. Maybe even exfoliate something if you’re feeling adventurous.” 

Menus and soap. My sister was always my sister. “You and your exfoliation.” I’m glad she was here.

“It’s self-care. It’s good for you. And this will be waiting for you once you’re all scrubbed clean.” She referenced the plate she’d brought in. I looked at the simple fare. It looked like work. It all looked like work. Even eating felt like work.

“Izzy…I can’t do this. I can’t do this. It’s too much.” Breathing felt like work.

“I know. It does feel like so much right now. But I’m here, and I’m going to help you. We’ll just start with a nice refreshing shower. Doesn’t that sound nice? I could shampoo your hair and braid it for you if you want.” It did sound nice. But why did I deserve nice when I’d caused so much pain? 

And then Maui was sitting on my other side. Just rest. [Let her help.]

“That sounds nice. I can do that.” If she thought I wasn’t worthless…if she thought there was something in me that deserved nice…that would make one of us. And that was a start.

Before I could take that first step she wrapped herself around me in a tight embrace. The physical proximity shattered the last of my defenses. I needed her so much. “I love you, Anne. You cannot die on me. You’re not allowed to leave me, too,” she whispered in my ear.

All the fight in me ground to dust and blew away.

“Okay.”  I’d try harder for her.  I really would.

****

The shower in my cabin was rarely ever used. Mostly it was extra storage space for cargo. If I wanted to bathe I hauled up a bucket from the ocean. As the water poured down on me I felt dizzy. It could have been the leftover drugs in my system or the vertigo of attempting to tread this new path that no longer contained that precious island on my map. I leaned against the shower walls and held the soap in my hand. I could barely grip it or squeeze the shampoo bottle. Every part of me felt weak, thin, hollow. 

Izzy stood in the doorway and delivered a monologue as I tried to remember how to lather and rinse. 

“It was the maps they were most impressed by. Not the appliances or the lights. Maps? I mean…maps. Though they’re pretty impressed by my cosmetic supplies too.” And, “We think it was sea bass. Catherine didn’t bludgeon it this time,” she laughed, “but she did help me cook it. She even knows how to clean fish now!” And, “Now he keeps reaching for the freezer. He’s teething and the ice helps numb his gums.”

She was still there when I turned the shower off and exited in my towel. She tried her best not to fixate on my scars. The rough skin needed attention. She didn’t try to touch the scars again  – I couldn’t blame her – but she kept talking as I dressed the hardened tissue then dressed myself. I was exhausted. I wanted to lie down. 

Izzy didn’t let me lie down. She put sunscreen on my face and lip balm on my chapped lips and I wondered why she bothered; paint a rock for all the good it would do. She brought me up on deck and sat me down. Catherine and Bessie and that baby were up there and tried their best not to stare. Bessie was in my seat. The ship bobbed along in the water. I was right, they hadn’t raised the sails much since the storm. Bessie looked uncomfortable with my stares. I sat down and turned my focus aft so she didn’t have to be bothered with me. 

Izzy chatted and did my hair, pulling hard at the tangles and asking me my preferences. My preferences were to go back to my room, close the door, close the curtains, and find oblivion. Instead she asked me questions about how I wanted my hair braided. I just shrugged, cut it all off for all I cared. 

The tide rocked the boat and the sun shone down on me. If Izzy would stop talking I could almost feel alone. But no, she wanted to talk about medication doses and whether I could tell where we were and if I wanted her to cook anything for dinner. The script I was supposed to follow lay like so much dead weight on my tongue. 

“Am I allowed to at least raise the sails?” I interrupted her lecture on the folly of trying to ration and save the goods in my hold like spices and grains and salt because what was the point of arriving in a far off port with a full cargo hold but taste buds that had lost the will to live?

She fiddled with the ends of my braids before answering. “Yes. One sec. Bessie? Set the wheel and come here for a minute.” 

The girl jumped out of the seat and rushed over. It was almost funny how quick she was to respond and how she stood rigid at attention in front of me. I almost told her ‘at ease’ but the lightness of the comment was dragged down by my personal undertow. My face fell and she looked to Izzy for confirmation that she was allowed to be in my presence.

“Captain?” she asked. Yeah, I wondered if that was true too.  

“Anne, will you please explain what you are doing and why?” Be sure to show your work, Anne. Neatness counts, Anne. Spelling errors will only get you partial credit, Anne. I got to my feet and looked the girl over. She was small. She’d need to get more muscle on her. Bessie had been asking for sailing lessons for days. Well fine, if she was going to take a shift she better know a thing or two.

“We are moving slow as ass because there isn’t enough sail up.” I took her first to the mainsail and unwound the sheet from the cleat. Once the familiar rope was in my hand my brain began to coast on autopilot. I told her where to grip and we raised the sail up together. I re-secured the sheet then taught her to coil the remainder of the line so it wasn’t a mess all over the deck and wouldn’t knot up. We repeated the process on the jib and the headsail and the mizzen. The winds were good and I decided to hoist the spinnaker as well. 

We were now cutting a good size wake at 8-10 knots. I breathed in the salt air and felt the sun. Whether I wanted it or not, I was moving away. I sat down in my chair and checked the compass heading. I had a vague idea of where we probably were and mentally adjusted the course I intended to chart from here. If the wind held steady for a few days –

“Anne?” I looked up to see Izzy and Bessie standing close by. “It’s Bessie’s shift.” They waited expectantly to see if I would move. I waited too, unsure if I had any strength in me to either fight or let go. I liked neither option. Izzy stood there smiling like a nurse in a mental ward. Bessie looked like she was there because Izzy had dragged her there. I got to my feet. I had no fight in me. I looked at neither of them as I moved away and sat back aft where Izzy had done my hair. 

Izzy installed Bessie in my chair and muttered encouraging words to her as the younger girl shot me nervous glances. I leaned on the rail and watched the waves disappear behind us. 

“I know that wasn’t easy.” Izzy joined me at the rail. “Thank you for trusting in this process.”

“What am I supposed to do between now and 8:00?” The sun was traitorously high in the sky.

“Well,” she brought her list out of her pocket and smoothed the creases I’d crushed into it. “Exercise, reading, light chores, sewing…you like sewing. You can sit with Catherine while I go start dinner and Bessie steers.” She stared at me till I nodded my acquiescence. “Are you going to be okay up here or do you want to come down with me?”

“I’ll stay up here.” I kept my eyes on the water. She waited a minute longer then kissed my cheek and left. I watched her to see that she went down then returned my gaze to the sun glinting on the water.

What was I doing? I didn’t know. I didn’t want anything. I had no goals. I had no plan. I was released from the home I’d worked to build. All the energy I would normally spend toward that place was now floating out of reach. I had nothing to hold onto. No one was waiting for me. No one was expecting me. I had no cargo to deliver. Izzy would be back home soon and then…and then what were my choices? Start my life over yet again? I imagine I’d just end up in China with Zheng again, ferrying peppercorn from port to port. It was a living, I suppose. She’d be happy but my ship would stink worse than this ambergris we were hauling.

I felt a tug on my pant leg. It was that baby. He grinned up at me and reached his arms up. Without even thinking about it, I lifted him up so he could watch the waves with me. He squealed as we saw the small terns wheeling about the masts. These birds could make it far out to sea but I took it as a sign we were closer to land than I cared for. He pointed and yelled when a pod of porpoises broke the surface.

“Those are porpoises, John Henry. Can you say porpoise?” It was easy to smile at him. He squeaked and laughed and pointed to the creatures as they appeared and disappeared seemingly by magic. “Look at that one! Sometimes they jump. We might see some dolphins too. They like to race the ship. We can beat them, can’t we, John Henry?” He put his hands on my cheeks.

“I’m so sorry, Captain,” Catherine came over. “I thought Bessie had him and then he was gone and she was sailing…I’m sorry. I can take him back. He’s ready for dinner.” She reached her arms out for him but the little boy put his head on my shoulder.

“He can stay with me. I’ll give him his dinner.” 

“Oh – oh, um. Let me – yes, I will go get his plate.” She walked back towards the stairs watching us the whole way. I realized too late I should have given her the baby. She didn’t trust me with him. As soon as she was gone, John Henry went back to pointing at the wildlife. Everything he pointed at I named. If he pointed at the same thing twice I gave him the name in a different language. He now knew the name for porpoise in English, Spanish, Cantonese, Hurrian, Samoan, French, Portuguese, German, Japanese, and Dutch. Hurrian made him laugh the most. I gave him the Hurrian words for bird and sail and ship and foot and water and more till he was hiccuping with joy. 

“He likes you.” Catherine returned with John Henry’s plate and another one that she left suspiciously close to me. “You are good with him. Have you ever thought about having children?”

“No,” I lied. I sat down and situated him on my lap. I flew the scoop of applesauce into his mouth saying, “Coming in for a landing at JH International.” Both he and Catherine laughed even though they had no idea what the hell I was saying. John Henry ate the applesauce and asked for more. I held a few beans in my hand and let him pick them up and eat them one at a time.

“Isabelle made a plate for you as well.” Catherine nudged the plate closer. “I think you should eat it. I know you are not hungry. Though, perhaps a few bites?” I pulled the plate over and started eating. Izzy had put her up to this for sure.

“Thank you.” It was some sort of pastry with an inordinate amount of my sugar and spices and salt mixed into the dough. Catherine proved to be almost as easy to be around as her son. She was quiet and still the way no one in the 21st ever was. John Henry fell asleep on my shoulder and we continued to look out at the water in quiet contentment. 

Six o’clock on the dot it was dinnertime. I wasn’t even close to hungry but Izzy put the plate in front of me and told me to eat and that it was time for eating and that she had worked so very very hard to make me this food to eat and here was exactly what she put in the food that we were currently eating. I wish I could say it tasted like anything but my whole world felt slathered in lidocaine.

When it was finally my shift to sit in my own chair on my own damn ship I got into the chair and waited for them to dismiss themselves to bed. Bessie and Catherine left. Izzy stayed. 

“Aren’t you tired? Been a long day.”

“Yup.” She took a sip of coffee and handed me my own thermos. The wind picked up as the light faded. It was late. Strange that she was drinking coffee. She preferred tea. I shrugged it off. It was getting colder. 

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Been a long day.” I watched the sun start to sink and began to pick out the first stars. 

“Yup.” She kept drinking her coffee. 

We were far enough north in the summer season in the northern hemisphere that the sun didn’t set till closer to nine. As we continued, that sunset would elongate until it vanished. I needed to get within sight of the Greenland coastline before then so I could dead reckon our way to my lonely mountain before I lost the stars. 

The strains of the girls’ conversation below reached up to us as they prepared for bed. John Henry cried a little but was quickly shushed and comforted. Nighttime on my ship was usually a peaceful time. I watched the constellations and counted shooting stars and breathed in the crisp air. 

“Good news, we aren’t far from where we should be.” I looked over and saw her dozing. It had been a long day. I didn’t wake her. It was a chill night. The summers here were ending. By the time we reached Baffin Bay it would feel like winter to these citizens of Bermuda. Another week and I’d be watching for icebergs. I pulled out a thick sweater and examined the stitches. I could learn to knit and crochet. It might take a little while to learn. I would like to learn.

A chill breeze blew up and encouraged me to put the sweater on. Izzy could use a blanket too. She startled awake as I covered her up. 

“Sorry. You looked cold. Go back to sleep.”

She resituated herself and reached for her thermos. “I'm guessing you know where we are?” Her eyes were on the stars above.

“Not far from Nova Scotia. We’ll cut east a ways to get around Newfoundland before heading north again.  

“What time is it?” She yawned.

“No idea. Probably 10 or 11.” I estimated based on the moon. It was strange to hear my voice in the middle of the night like this. I hadn’t traveled with someone this far out at sea for years. Not since Zheng capsized my ship and I decided the two of us needed a break.

After an hour I heard a buzzing and Izzy took out her phone. She unwound herself from the blankets and kissed me goodnight. I stretched out in my chair. This was the first time I’d had any time alone today. My ears were buzzing from all the talk and proximity. I was looking forward to the next eight hours.

Footsteps came up behind me, “Did you forget something?” I asked Izzy, except I turned to see it wasn’t Izzy, it was Bessie. “What are you doing up? Go back to bed.” 

“It’s my shift, Captain,” she said by way of explanation. She set a large tray of food down.

“The paper says I’m on till 8.” Bessie put a significantly sized sandwich down in front of me along with a fresh thermos of coffee. 

“Different kind of shift, Captain,” she muttered. I was an idiot. I’d thought once I was allowed to sail Izzy would back off and I would sail alone till the end of my shift. I hadn’t considered that she would recruit henchmen. 

Bessie sat down, clearly discomfited by my stare but she straightened up and stared back. I sipped the fresh coffee. I think I liked her. She had spunk. I pulled the sandwich closer and ate so she wouldn’t get in trouble with Izzy.

So I was being watched. I was not going to be left alone for the foreseeable future. I supposed as long as she wasn’t too chatty she could sit there and make sure I didn’t try to kill myself again. I wondered how they all thought they could stop me if I really put my mind to the task. 

The sandwich was good. Bessie ate as I ate. The storm had cleared the sky of clouds and the Milky Way stretched like a stream of spilled sand across the expanse. 

“Bessie, we’re luffing. Can you tighten the mizzen?” I said absently. Bessie looked at me confused. “Never mind.” I got up to tighten it myself. Bessie followed. “This sail here, it’s the mizzen. Luffing means the wind is making the canvas flap. Flapping means we won’t go as fast.” I hauled on the sheet and tied it off and took my seat again.

“How do you know where you’re going?” she asked and shivered as her gaze followed mine to the stars. I got up again and reached beneath the port bench to pull out a thick blanket and snow hat, one of my mother’s old faux fur lined bomber hats, for the young girl. I draped it around her shoulders and pulled the hat over her ears.  

“Keep it, it’s going to get cold.” I sat down. “I know where I’m going because of the stars.” I pointed up. “Depending where we are in the world the stars move in different positions and rise and set in different arrangements. So if Cassiopeia is there, at that angle and hits the horizon at the same time as–”  Bessie looked even more confused. “Is this the kind of thing you want to learn?”

“Yes, Captain.” She looked up at the stars with an eager expression. “I would like to know where I am.”

“Okay. Well, the earth rotates –” Bessie gave me a blank stare. I proceeded to explain the shape of the earth and how the visual lines change whether you are on the equator or closer to the poles. Then I tried to explain what the equator was and what poles were. Then I realized we were going to need to start a lot smaller. I pulled out my notebook and a charcoal pencil. One page I ripped out and crumpled it into a sphere to indicate the earth and on another page I drew a circle.   

By the time the sun rose, she and I had covered the shape of the earth, the fact that the earth was a planet, and that the earth was in rotation around the sun. We weren’t even close to getting into what the stars were. Bessie was yawning and more than a little loopy by the time Izzy and Catherine arrived with breakfast. John Henry toddled right to my lap and took his shift manning the helm as Izzy sat and watched me eat every bite of food on the plate. In her hands was a cup. It wasn’t coffee in that cup.

“Here. This is a less potent version.” Yesterday I confessed to her that I didn’t process substances like she could. The Fountain in my system didn’t tolerate me trashing my body regularly with drugs, alcohol, corn syrup, and preservatives. Not that that always stopped me, sometimes I gladly paid the price but it wasn’t pleasant. Massive hangovers and all that.

The liquid was a bitter looking brown. I did not want to drink it. Drinking it was akin to admitting weakness. I didn’t need this sort of help. I just needed some time to figure this all out. I got through my days just fine before and I would do it again. I handed the cup back to her.

“Maybe later. I don’t want this.” She didn’t take the cup back.

“Girl. Can we just not?” she growled. It looked like effort to collect herself and start again with me. I was effort. “Please just take this so you can sleep. It's important.”

I examined the liquid again. Only my deep and perfect trust that Izzy loved me and wouldn’t try to harm me convinced me to drink. 

“Wait!” Catherine stopped me. “Perhaps drink it in your cabin?” She eyed the stairs warily.

They all agreed this was a good idea. I nodded and stretched and let her escort me to my cabin. My bed was made and looked comfortable enough but I knew what awaited me there; nightmares and angst. I balked a little but Izzy was right behind me. 

“It’s okay. I’ll stay with you.” She lifted the cup closer to my lips. 

I drank. It might not have been as strong as before but it was still too strong. The drink hit my system like a brick to the face. I climbed into bed before I fell. 

“You’re doing great. Just one day at a time.” She rubbed her hand on my back. “Where are you?”  she asked as the drugs relaxed my consciousness.

“Izzy, I –”  I would try harder for her. “I’m on my ship.  We are getting ready to round Canada.” I answered her question.

“Who is on the ship with you?”

“You, Bessie, Catherine and a baby.” 

“What year is it?”

“1649.”

“Repeat after me. I am safe.”

“Izzy –” I protested.

“I am safe.” She reiterated with those damn raised  eyebrows. I crumpled against her will. I hated this. 

“I am safe.” I was a gigantic loser. The words sapped all my strength. I sat there wondering how those stupid words could produce such a strong reaction in me. The drink pulled me under.

“Good. Now close your eyes.” She pulled the blankets up around me and didn’t leave until I was asleep.

****

“Auntie, you are letting me win.” Magnus chided me as he set up the next match.

“I swear I’m not. I just stink at chess.”

“Even Father is better at this than you.” He laughed. I knocked over his carefully set up pieces and he laughed even more.

“Magnus, Auntie, it’s time for lunch!” Amelia came skipping down the lawn. Magnus scooped up the chess set and ran to get to the table before his favorite dishes were gone. Helene took his place in front of me.

“You are part of this family with a ring on your finger or no. How can you leave them?”

“It’s better for everyone this way.”

“Why did you stay so long?”  she accused.

“I couldn’t stay away. I love all of you.”

“Never return.” Helene turned her back on me and marched back up to the house.

“Stay away, Hurricane Anne.” Yvonne whispered in my ear.

****

I bolted awake.

My heart pounded. The shadows of the drink still pulled at me to resist the daylight and sink back down. I didn’t want to go back under; that’s where the nightmares lived. I stripped and turned the shower on cold. The shock of the water helped bring me back. 

I was almost finished wrapping up my scars when Izzy knocked on the door and asked to come in. “I’m so glad you took a shower. I mean...technically you were supposed to shower before you went to sleep, but that’s okay! You are following the schedule!”

“What?” What schedule was she talking about?

“The schedule I made for you? Let’s review. See? You’re supposed to shower after your shift and before breakfast.” She pulled out a sheet of paper and I groaned, remembering it all again. Right. I wasn’t allowed to sail until tonight.

“What time is it?” I finished dressing. My stomach growled. The sun looked low in the sky. 

“Nearly 7:00. You slept through dinnertime, but I figured you must need the rest so we just kept it warm for you. You were asleep for like eleven hours.” I felt like shit. I started to put my hair back without brushing it which was apparently an offense to the gods. Izzy instructed me to sit while she put conditioner all over my head and began to brush and braid it. “Ship news. We’re on the heading you charted. And there should be plenty of sail up.”

“The drink was too strong.”

“Really? Still? I cut it back a lot.”

“Really. It was too strong.” Thank god they’d had an easy day but suppose something – anything had happened and they couldn’t wake me. “I can’t tolerate that stuff easily.”

“How is that possible? I gave you so much less than I took after my--” She paused and I looked up at her, waiting for the end of that sentence. She switched topics. “Does this apply for alcohol too?” I nodded and winced as she hit a tangle. “But I’ve seen you take down tons of drinks at my parties over the years. Not to mention my wedding.”

“I use small glasses and try to pour my own drinks. That or I just hold onto the same drink all night and people assume it’s getting refilled. Sometimes I just get trashed though.” I’d wanted to be smashed that night of her wedding and hadn’t even pretended to have restraint. I’d paid for that evening for the next few days.  

“Damn. Okay. We’ll try a much smaller dose, but I still want you to sleep.” She finished my braids and we went up on deck. 

Bessie came right up to me and delivered a status report. Dinner was already served and Catherine put a plate right in front of me. John Henry grabbed a fistful of rice and flew it to my mouth like I’d done for him yesterday. I let him do that two more times before I was done with the game and picked up a fork. He leaned back on me and started with his other game of pointing at things and I’d tell him the name. He got mad at me when I forgot I was supposed to say the names in different languages when he repeated pointing at an item. 

Catherine was the one charged with babysitting me tonight. Bessie took John Henry down to their cabin and the girl sat smiling pleasantly at me.

“Where do you want to go? Have you thought about it more?” I asked when she wasn’t producing any conversation.

“I suppose I haven’t. Not really. It’s been nice not…being anywhere.” The young mother was dressed in a cotton shift and lounging in the still shining sun. “I was beginning to think perhaps I could travel with John Henry and Bessie to California? Isabelle speaks so highly of your homeland. She has been encouraging me to find employment and if there is work in your homeland even for a lady of such stature, then perhaps I could provide a life for my family as well. I’ve been working on my culinary skills to prepare. Isabelle agrees I am improving. And I can sew. She’s praised my skills. Perhaps I could ply my skills in that manner.”

She waited, hoping I would tell her that yes, she could support her family on her burgeoning cooking skills alone. Even if I could take her to the 21st that wouldn’t be enough. I wasn’t sure the portal would let her or her son or Bessie through. If I hadn’t been so out of it I could have warned Izzy to keep that dangerous talk to a minimum. Catherine had to find a life here where she was.

“I’m sorry, Catherine. I cannot take you there.” Her face fell as I delivered the blow to her plans. She looked out at the sunset and frowned and wiped her eyes with her shift. I worked on finishing my meal. 

Suddenly she turned back to me, “You are the —you travel the seven seas. How can you not sail us there?”

“It’s not about where I can go. It’s about where you can go. Izzy’s homeland is farther away than it may be possible for you and your son to travel. We could certainly try but I would advise you to consider a back up.” 

“Where else can we have a future? I do not want to be married again.” Her face soured and I couldn’t blame her. 

“I’ll think it over. I’m sure we can find you somewhere that will work.” Nothing came to mind at the moment but we had a ways to go until Greenland. We could come up with a solution. “You may need to consider another marriage though,” I warned.

“I cannot be Lady Sutton and I do not want to be anyone else’s either. You were never Lady Anne Andrews –”

“Do you want this life!? Do you want to be this!?” I yelled at her and gestured to all my glorious wreckage. I would have been Diane Andrews. I wanted to be Diane Andrews. I didn’t care if it was a dream; I wanted it. I wanted to go home.

Catherine straightened up and turned away but did not leave. The girl had courage, I’d give her that. 

“We’ll find somewhere for you. I guarantee it will mean a marriage though so start getting used to the idea. Not all men are the Commander.” I spat the name out. Catherine didn’t respond. She was smart. She knew I was right. She’d need to be a widowed queen in order to live unmolested in this era…or any era before the extremely late 20th century.